So I guess if you wait and stay open minded that solutions to your problems can really come along. As i have stated before I have a man in my life that I really care about and I haven’t been sure how to deal with that fact.
Well I’m good now. I came to the realization last night that, although there may not be a romantic future for this whole thing that, its ok. I have loved every moment of this whole adventure and plan on loving every moment here on after. Once the romantic relationship has to end the friendship I hold so dear will continue. He will always be an important part in my life but I also know that we both have our own adventures to have and lives to lead.
I have to decide if I want to possibly screw up my whole life based on what I want not what I think he would want or what I think might happen. Nothing holds certainty just yet and this is the moment to make mistakes and have fun; before everything is set in stone. I don’t want to wake up one day and think I made a mistake.
I also don’t want him to wake up one day and think he made a mistake or took away my chance at happiness by being selfish towards me. I don’t want that possible future at all! I never want either one of to resent the other. So far I have made it through my life without a single regret and I don’t hate or resent anyone for anything. I love my life and the people in it. They have all made me the person I am and I want to keep this attitude. I will NOT become bitter simply because I didn’t make choice down the line.
Last night He told me that I need to be able to answer the major what if’s in my life and honestly that’s right, but I don’t think he realized how right he was. I don’t tend to shy away from what if moments in my life, I just tend not to get too many. The last major one I had involved him and I am so happy every time I think about it that I acted on it. The result has left me happy and wiser.
I guess now I have to finalize everything I speak of and make it all real. I am happy, smiling inside, and I feel more at peace than I have in a long time. Its all gonna be good. I just know it.
I have yet another problem in my life. I could ignore it and blame it on a bad night of sleep or it being that time of the month yet again, or I could ignore them and tell myself they will all soon go away or I will at least soon go away. I can’t.
They aren’t all problems one can physically run away from. Most are emotional and my only way of pretending they aren’t there is to throw up that shield over my heart and emotions once again. Its not that anyone has hurt me or anything, quite the opposite actually. Everyone has been really loving towards me these last few months. For once I actually feel like I have people who care about me in my life. I have made friendships the last few months that have been wonderful.
But in the way of consistency I am lost. I have no idea where I am going in my life and who is gonna be willing to stick it out with me. I am probably gonna end up choosing to go far away and that is going to kill me. Its going to be Iowa all over again. Cut off the emotional ties and close my eyes until I can’t see or feel anymore. Nothing.
My emotional problems are gonna have to be dealt with later, its more the physical ones that burden me most. There is a certain person in my life that I feel I need to help but at the same time being there is killing me. I hate what they have to say and I never ever want to hear it but I listen anyways. Why?? Why do I listen. Why do I keep staying at the sides of people who don’t understand what is going on with me.
When this person speaks to me I am flooded with thoughts I don’t really want to have. I wonder if they are better? I wonder if I am a reason for their misery or even worse a band-aid? I can’t tell them my honest opinion because I am also in the wrong I feel. Then I wonder even more in depth about the person they talk to me about. I wonder how they truly feel and what’s going on in their head. I think I know but then again do I know it all? everything? The whole truth?
I have these problems and many more to come I’m sure. I will soon be making huge life decisions and with that comes great stress. I will grin and bear it all as I always have, the choice now is how thick will my shields have to be. To the person who I know is gonna read this is 10 seconds -.-
I am happy, don’t get me wrong. No getting mad either because that’ll just make it worse. Discussion and nice words please. =P
Realistic Disney Characters by Jirka Väätäinen
OMG THEY INCLUDED JANE!! This is eerily awesome, actually. I approve.
This post has been featured on a 1000notes.com blog.
Story of my life
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